


starlit musings

by 101places



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Crime Sorcière, Gen, Just a gen Crime Sorciere one-shot set in the timeskip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 16:37:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14501154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101places/pseuds/101places
Summary: Jellal reflects on missing memories.





	starlit musings

**Author's Note:**

> hey! so, i was cleaning out my files & found this old thing laying around. honestly i dont really like it that much, but i thought i might as well post it anyway!

For the most part, Jellal was silent.

It wasn’t that he was rude, or that he wouldn’t respond when spoken to. To the contrary, he was a pretty good conversationist, seemed to know what should and shouldn’t be said, and he did, truly, seem to enjoy the company of others. Yet he never seemed to initiate conversation unless it was absolutely necessary and he had a tendency to spend his free time sitting a distance away from others.

Ultear had told Meredy to give him time and space. She had said that with everything he had been through lately, it was only natural if he hadn’t relearnt how to manage people yet. And at first Meredy had nodded in agreement, seeing no issue with leaving the strange man to his own devices.

Months had passed by, and Meredy had noticed a change in Jellal’s attitude. It was only a slight change, but it was a change nonetheless. He seemed to be smiling more. In his free time, he had began to sit closer to his team-mates. He still didn’t initiate conversation, but he did invite it.

Then, three days ago, he suddenly reverted. The slight changes he made vanished. His permanent frown was back, he took to keeping a few feet away from Ultear and Meredy, and his body language was once more closed off.

At first, Meredy thought that it was just a temporary thing. Maybe he had a bad sleep, or something like that. But the longer it went on, the more concerned she became. What if this was permanent? She had been starting to warm up to him. She didn’t want all of that progress to just vanish.

The ideal solution, of course, would be to have Ultear talk to him. They clearly understood each other— likely due to their shared past. However, Meredy wasn’t an idiot. No matter how much they denied it, she knew that there was something invisible between them and, as much as she loved her mother, she knew that Ultear would be reluctant to talk about anything meaningful with him.

Meredy also knew that Jellal couldn’t be trusted to deal with whatever had set him back alone. While she’d admit that he had made some progress alone, she had also noticed what he was like as a person. He was the type who didn’t consider his own needs as a priority. Whatever was bothering him, she knew that he wouldn’t work on it consciously.

Of course, this left only one option. She would have to talk to him herself.

The next day, Ultear left to gather information and groceries, leaving Jellal and Meredy behind. This was the perfect opportunity to talk to him without the strange tension getting in the way of things.

The only problem was, Meredy still wasn’t sure how she was supposed to interact with him. Even before Grimoire Heart she’d had a hard time working people out, and learning about people was proving to be a struggle. She wasn’t sure if she knew what she was doing.

But, even so, someone had to do this. If she didn’t, she wasn’t sure if anyone would. And, anyway, she had been happy to see him slowly opening up. She didn’t want all of that to be lost.

“…Ul’s gone.”

Jellal looked up and offered Meredy a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m sure she won’t be long.”

“Yeah.” Meredy played with the fabric of her dress with her hands, desperately trying to think of a casual way to lead in to what she wanted to talk about. “How… are you?”

“I’m fine.” There was his smile again. Fake, but not malicious.

Meredy suddenly found herself feeling very uncomfortable. He hadn’t understood what she was really asking; he had thought she was just being polite. Would she have to be more direct…?

“You’re lying.” The way his eyes widened a fraction made Meredy wonder if she had, perhaps, been _too_ direct. But… Well, it was nice to get a genuine reaction out of him. “For the past three days, you’ve been keeping your distance from us. Why?”

The smile slid off his face and for a moment he just looked so sad. Then the moment passed, and his sadness was replaced with a neutral mask. “Ah… You noticed?” He hesitated, and in his silence Meredy knew that he was trying to work out what to say. “I’m sorry. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“I’m not _worrying_ about it.” Meredy responded quickly. “But… We are team mates. **Guild** mates. If something’s wrong, you should be able to tell us.”

Jellal smiled again, and this time Meredy wasn’t sure if it was a lie or not. “Thank you.”

* * *

By the time Ultear returned, Meredy had decided that she was not entirely satisfied by the way her conversation with Jellal had gone. She was disillusioned, knowing that she hadn’t really made much of a difference at all. Why couldn’t he have just opened up and told her what was wrong? How could they hope to grow as a team if they didn’t tell each other the truth?

When Ultear shared the intel she had gathered, Meredy found that she was not paying as much attention as usual.

Even as she helped prepare food, Meredy’s thoughts were away. She was recreating the conversation in her head, wondering what magic combination of words she could say to make him open up.

Jellal, too, wasn’t paying much attention to his surroundings. If Meredy had been paying attention, she may have realised that her small intervention had made a difference after all.

However, unlike her team-mates, Ultear was very much present and became almost instantly aware of the fact that something had happened. She didn’t point out the strange air between them, deciding instead to keep a careful eye on it. After all, she had no idea what had brought it on. She wouldn’t want to tactlessly deal with something complicated.

When they started to eat, Meredy slowly opened up again, appearing to be more engaged in what Ultear said. That was good, but Jellal’s remaining silence didn’t go unnoticed.

Before long the food was gone, and the chill of night drew them to their sleeping bags. Ultear and Meredy slept close for both comfort and warmth, while Jellal chose to rest some distance away. It was, perhaps, not the most logical decision to make, but Ultear had never brought it up. If Jellal wanted to come closer he would, there was no need for her to make his mind up for him— surely she’d done enough of that already.

As usual, Meredy was the first to fall asleep. Despite the arguably unsafe circumstances, she always managed to drift off with ease when Ultear was around. After that, Ultear waited to hear the shift in Jellal’s breathing that would indicate that he had fallen asleep too— she didn’t usually wait for him to sleep like this, but not knowing what had happened between him and Meredy had left her concerned.

Time passed, and despite how much Ultear was trying to stay awake she could feel herself begin to give in. However, just as she was on the edge of sleep she heard the quiet rustling of fabric followed by careful footsteps leading away from the campsite.

Ultear waited a few moments before shifting Meredy away from her, gently so as to not wake her, and silently following Jellal.

He hadn’t gone far. When she found him he was sitting on the ground only a few feet from the campsite, staring up at the stars.

There was something revealing about his face, when he didn’t realise he was being watched. There was no mask, no hiding. It was just Jellal, and Ultear found herself suddenly realising that she had no idea who ‘just Jellal’ was. All she knew was the Jellal that she had taken and manipulated. She had never known the boy he was before, and had never cared to find out before. Now that she did care, he was hesitant to show the world who he really was.

Well, Ultear supposed there was no better time to find out who the real Jellal Fernandes was than the present. Steeling herself for what she was sure would be a stressful conversation, she stepped out from the tree line and cleared her throat.

“Stargazing?” She asked.

Jellal, suddenly aware of the fact that he wasn’t alone, whirled around to face her. Upon realising who it was, he relaxed slightly— although Ultear did notice that he still had his guard up to some extent.

“It’s relaxing.”

Ultear took a few steps closer, “Mind if I join you?”

He shrugged, and Ultear decided to take that as a yes. She took a seat on the ground close to him, but was careful not to intrude on his personal space.

“They’re pretty.” Ultear said, looking skywards. This wasn’t the first time they’d stargazed, but that was then. This is now.

“Hm.” Without looking, she could feel his curious gaze on her. She wanted to ask what he was thinking, but decided instead to wait. When he’s ready, he’ll speak.

And then, just like that, he was ready. “What are you doing here, Ultear? You should be asleep.”

She glanced at him and smiled, “Shouldn’t you, as well?” She returned her gaze to the stars, half-heartedly searching out constellations, “I was worried. You’ve seemed distant lately, today more so than usual.”

He fell silent again. Ultear worried he wouldn't respond and would continue to avoid probing, but it seemed there was something in the air.

“I realised something.” 

She stopped looking at the stars. She felt that this required her full attention.

“When I… When I had amnesia, I knew that my memories wouldn’t be pleasant. I knew at least some of the unforgivable crimes I had committed, and I dreaded remembering. I was terrified that if I remembered, I would go back to being the man who I had been. But one thought helped me hold on— one light shone in the dark, giving me hope that I had some drop of good in me. And her name was Wendy Marvell.”

Ultear frowned, not understanding. Noticing her confusion— or, perhaps, just to get out the tidal wave he’d been keeping locked inside— Jellal continued.

“I barely knew her. I met her during the Nirvana incident; she was the one who revived me. At first I assumed she had been threatened and… while that was the case, it was more complicated. When we were able to speak properly she explained that we had met before. She told me that I saved her life.

“All I knew about my past were the sins I had committed, yet here was this child who believed in me and saw a good man in me. I thought… even if I remembered everything, even if I went back to being that man, if I had also saved that girl then maybe there was hope for me.”

He paused and looked down, a bitter smile on his face.

“I didn’t notice it when my memories first came back. In truth, I only realised recently. Without a doubt I remember everything, but nowhere is there even a fraction of a memory of Wendy. I don’t understand it, but the man who saved that girl was not me.”

Then, he stopped speaking altogether.

For a while there was just silence between them, as Jellal recovered from having potentially spoken more in the past few minutes than he had in the entire past month, and Ultear processed the information she had been given.

“You… understand that wasn’t _you_?” Ultear asked quietly, not meeting Jellal’s eye.

“It doesn’t matter.” He shifted away from her, his body language showing that hadn’t been the right question to ask. He stood up, “We should be getting to sleep.”

“Wait! Jellal,” Ultear pulled herself up as well, “What I meant to say is, I’m glad you told me that. If you need someone to talk to… Well, we’re guild mates now. You don’t need to keep things to yourself.”

Jellal paused and looked back at her, a strange smile on his face, “You and Meredy really are alike sometimes.”

Ultear blinked, not having the context for his statement. She quickly decided to just ignore it.

“You were right about one thing though. We definitely do need to be getting some sleep.”

The two quietly snuck back into camp, returning to their positions and quickly falling asleep. In the morning, Ultear knew that they would regret staying awake late, but in the end she knew it was worth it. The progress she made with Jellal that night may have only been slight, but maybe baby steps were what he needed the most.


End file.
